Pointe shoes

I kept one pair of pointe shoes from my ballet life and Claire had a lot of fun with them.

So serious.  I wonder what she's thinking about.

"And then I do my leg like this."

Trisha Brown Dance Company came to Seattle and I got to see my old friend, Tamara, perform!  We studied Modern Dance at the University of Utah together, we performed together, and I performed in her choreography.  I have so many memories of watching her dance, completely captivated and inspired.  She has a hard-earned strength matched with a warm personality and sweet grin.  

Since having a traumatic "end" to my dance career I have often felt like a failure - that I never "made it", that I wasted 21 years of time/effort/money/hope, that I must not have been "good enough" or skinny enough.  I never had the chance to dance on a full-time company and tour the world like I had dreamed, let alone a company so famous as Trisha Brown.  Years ago I had gone to the Trisha Brown summer workshop in NYC and loved the movement style.  Soon afterwards I flew to NYC again to audition for an apprentice position.  None of the company members who taught the summer workshop were running the audition, so no one knew me.  And, with a few hundred other dancers vying for one position, being known is pretty important.  I was cut the first cut.  I felt devastated and foolish that I flew to NYC to dance 16 counts of movement.  This dance world is so hard!  

Considering my feelings of failure, I don't like going to see dance performances at this point, because it's such a harsh reminder of what I am missing, and I REALLY miss dancing.  Likewise, I had some anxiety about going to the concert and seeing Tamara, who is "living the dream".  Fortunately, I had a wonderful time.  It was a thrill to see Tamara perform so beautifully!  I also enjoyed recalling the choreography that I had learned of the piece "Set and Reset".  I coordinated with several other alums to attend the concert and afterwards we went out to eat with her.  I'm so glad we got catch up on the last 10 years, laugh at her stories, and I'm so glad that she took the time to connect with me individually.  She let me know that she's had her own terrible ending with a choreographer and she encouraged me not to take it personally.  She reminded me that there's still time in my life to pursue dance in a meaningful way.  She also revealed that (even as a dancer in a world-renowned company) she can relate to the moments where we all wonder "what am I doing with my life?"  I really appreciated hearing her perspective!  I went home that night with more peace, with gratitude for my family, and with hope that I will dance again someday (when I'm not so sleep-deprived).  Thanks for the boost Tamara.  You're the best.